my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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