I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
