Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
