She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
