Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
