Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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