4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
