So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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