You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
