Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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