I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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