were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
