I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
