Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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