I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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