Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
