There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
