I'm so fucking centered right now
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize