remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
