I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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