last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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