You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
