I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
