thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Randomize
