I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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