I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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