Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
