please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
