well I can't set my house on fire every night
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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