it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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