i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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