Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
