I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
