Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
