I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
