I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
