My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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