Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize