fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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