I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
