I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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