I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
