I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
