he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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