How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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