My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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