I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Holy sore nipples Batman
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
