Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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