can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
