im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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