now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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