dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
