WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
