I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
