I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
