You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize