Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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