i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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