Why are handjobs necessary in class?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
In other news, I just burned my penis
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
