Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
