she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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