**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
